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that keeps him from betting on people.

—W.C. Fields

Posted by Kortnie

From an email sent by Susan Drake
Posted by Diana Wold

>>His horses name is friday

Posted by L. Craig

9.Leap out of a moving vehicle & practice “relaxing in
the fall.” Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your
feet.

8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and
write out a $200 check without even looking down.

7.Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot.
Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing -
they might as well know now.

6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and
practice pulling it to a halt. Smile as if you are
having fun!

5. Hone your fibbing skills “See, hon, moving hay
bales in FUN!” & “No, really, I’m glad your lucky
performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue
ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and
actual ability won me second place.”

4.Practice dialing your chiropractor’s number with
both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot
anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

3. Borrow the US Army slogan: Be All That You Can Be -
bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen, etc.

2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most
expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, “This
is a learning experience, this is a learning
experience, this is…”

1. The number 1 exercise to become a better equestrian
- marry money!!

Posted by Jackie.

2. Spilled grain is not “fair game”, especially when
it is spilled in another horse’s stall. It still
belongs to that particular horse. You have no reason
to go in and eat it.

3. Poop does not need to be hidden. I clean your stall
every day. I will find it. Do not hide it.

4. I do not need your help when I clean the barn, nor
do I need your supervision, or even your presence. I
have been cleaning the barn and stalls ever since you
lived here. I know what I am doing. Standing at the
door staring at me, will not make me clean faster.

5. There is no need to go into the barn and help
yourself to the feed. Meals are given at specific
times of the day. There is a feed schedule. You know
the schedule. I know you know the schedule. You know
that I know that you know the schedule.

6. Water buckets are not toys. Neither is the gate,
pitchfork, wheel barrow, whatever is in the wheel
barrow, fence, or the occasional dog.

7. The wheel barrow is there for a reason. Please do
not try to move it while I am cleaning your stall.

8. Just because I go into the barn doesn’t mean you
automatically get food. There is other stuff in the
barn. Stuff you don’t want. Like wormer and fly spray.

9. Sheath cleaning will NOT be enjoyed…by anyone.

10. Water travels through the hose. If you are
thirsty, do not stand on the hose. The water buckets
will fill much faster.

11. Not everything has to be high drama. None of the
following things will kill you: fly spray, plastic
bags, balloons, hoses, chipmunks and other small
rodents, or bright blue tarps.

12. Although I understand the need for you to go to
the bathroom, it is not necessary to hold it in all
day until the moment I finish cleaning your stall and
put away the wheel barrow.

13. Accidents happen. However, I’m not altogether sure
you’re not trying to kill yourself. Next time you
decide to impale yourself on some sort of object,
please try to do it when it’s not hailing, midnight,
the weekend, or Christmas.

14. While I appreciate your need to be clean, pooping
in your water bucket does not make my job easier, and
it deprives you of water. Please find a new spot.

15. Whinnying as loudly as you can in my face does not
make me feed you any faster.

Posted by Jackie.

“Tie me up”, the hunky husband growled, “and you can do
anything you want.”

So the woman tied him up… and went riding.

Compliments of J. Kelly

Posted by ML

2. A test that starts with an arrow straight centre line and a square halt signifies the start of a Hickstead Speed derby.

3. A dressage test is a test of your skill against another competitor’s luck.

4. Dressage is about achieving a harmonious working relationship with your horse, whose only idea of harmony is eating grass in a field with his buddies.

5. If you want to end a drought or dry spell, wear a new jacket and Patey hat to an outdoor arena.

6. Untalented, difficult, aggressive horses have robust health, good hocks and long lives.

7. Talented tractable horses are accident prone and have OCD lesions.

8. You will ride the best test of your entire life just prior to being disqualified for not wearing your gloves.

9. Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your head before a test.

10. Never keep less than another 300 separate thoughts in your head during a test.

11. Horses do not improve their paces because you are wearing expensive German breeches.

12. If you chose a disco theme for your dressage to music test then the judge will be more than 90 years of age and Swiss.

13. The less skilled the rider, the more likely they are to share their critique of your test.

14. If you are considering the services of a horse clairvoyant to help you with training then you have reached the point of total desperation – try the German breeches.

15. Your horse has never heard of Podhajsky let alone read the book.

16. No matter how badly you ride a test, it is always possible to ride a worse one.

17. If it ain’t broke, try shifting your position and it will be.

18. Judges only suffer from temporary blindness (or kindness) when they are judging someone else’s test.

20. If you fall off your horse in the arena you will have paid to have the test videoed.

21. If you are feeling confident before a show then three of the British dressage team will turn up to give their young horses some “experience.”

22. Your horse will perform its best piaffe ever when you ask for extended canter.

23. Since runs of bad competitions come in groups of three, the fourth competition is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

24. No one cheats at dressage because no one has worked out how to do it.

25. It is surprisingly easy to end a test with a perfect square halt once you have scored a four for every other movement.

26. The result of an expensive lesson from a top pro is that you will stop believing in that tiny piece of innate ability that was holding your riding together.

27. Remember when buying a dressage horse advertised as “needs experienced competitive rider” this really means “needs the skills of Phillip Dutton just to stay on board.”

28. If you think your test was better than someone elses, it probably wasn’t.

29. If you pay 60,000 for an imported WB, you will be beaten in First Level 4 by a quarter horse.

30. Clinics given by someone with an interesting accent are not necessarily superior to those given by the homeboy.

31. If you go to the expense of raising an expensive WB foal, he will have a talent for jumping and no walk worth talking about.

Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Bannana Fanna Bo Besca the third

Jackie Smith